Wednesday, June 10, 2015

Magneto was Wrong

Progress Continues!, continuing what I am told has been a long slide from respectability to half-baked Gawker clickbait fishing, launched an article in which they believe it was time for comics to 'get real' about race.

For far too long has Mutant Hitler been represented by a WHITE MAN.
The author, Eli Keel, who- no doubt from fear of Gamergaters- has precious little personal information tied to their writing, believes that Magneto is old and as such needs to be rebooted as a black man who sees Martin Luther King assassinated and rejects nonviolence in favor of putting non-mutant Humanity under a boot or into the ground.

They would like to see what would happen in such a situation.

Well, Eli Keel, I can save you a bit of trouble there! Since you're a white guy yourself, the immediate question that would come to mind is why you want one of the most inhumane villains of the Marvel Universe to be a black dude.

It sounds, I must say, rather bad in such context.

Meanwhile people who are questioning exactly how smart such a race-swap is are being accused of, curiously enough, racism themselves. They point to characters who have been rebooted as other races, most notably Nick Fury. Who, I would like to note, worked primarily because he was patterned on Samuel L. Jackson and was thus amazing in every way.

With respect to Mr. Hasslehoff here...
This is the best Nick Fury the world has yet seen.
The lesson here should be that it doesn't truly matter what race a character is- so long as they have someone as irrepressibly charismatic and apt as Samuel L. Jackson playing them.

BUT! So long as any one person is assigning genders, outrage addicts on the internet will be arguing that it's part of some absurd agenda.

We here at Arketer Labs are problem solvers first and foremost, so simply dwelling on this problem won't do. No, instead I have come up with a solution to solve the preponderance of white, male protagonists.

First : Select Hero to be Equalized. Randomly or systematically, they should all be thus eventually.
Assign ethnicity at random.

As chaos is effectively choosing the race, accusations of racism are going to be utterly moot. Do take care that unimpeachable records are kept however in order to prove the selection was random.

And now we will give you examples, using our proprietary and fully refined system, of the New Heroes.

Captain America!
From HERE. And indeed, why shouldn't Captain America be Chinese? Everything being made in China is the American Way.
The Incredible Hulk!
May potentially exist in the real world already.

Black Panther!
Much to my surprise, this one already existed, "pro click." Meanwhile I can't help but think how that hood is just a wee bit of pointy-ness  away from making them look far more like a Dragon than a Panther.

As represented by this Venezuelan Red Skull impersonator.
Progress continues!

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