Monday, March 30, 2015

WackyPact Funtime Final Briefing

"Good evening, noble members of the Pact!" The Pact Warmaster said cheerfully before continuing.

"As you all know we are soon to begin final preparations for our assault on Mordremoth's home turf. I am super pumped and hope to hear how you are too! Before we talk about how we're going to leave a boot in that mean old plant Dragon though I understand we have some questions?" The Warmaster's tone shifted ever so slightly to disapproval in the end, looking over the assembled Pact. A Charr moved forward. The Norn Warmaster focused on them sharply, frowning.

"Yeah, I got a question. Why're we bringing the Sylvari on this one?" the Charr growled.

"What do you mean why? They're a super-nice people and good at their job too!" The Warmaster replied with a laugh.

"That ain't the problem. They're probably Mordrem. Might not be that bright to use them against Mordrem." the Charr rumbled, a hint of of weariness creeping into their voice.

The Norn Warmaster laughed, high pitched and derisively.

"They are NOT Mordrem. Mordrem are EVIL plant monsters!" they exclaimed.

"Look, they aren't evil, I get it. Some of them are really nice and none of us'd be here without Trahearn, but they're practically Mordrem. I mean, you were Vigil. We've seen the Crucible of Eternity, and they and the Mordrem are the only walky-talky Plant things in the world. ONE of them woke Mordremoth even!" the Charr continued.

"Look, you're sounding very racist right now and I don't want to deal with this. We've got experts and they said the Sylvari aren't Mordrem. I'll let one of them speak now. Sub-Director Slokkit?" The Norn Warmaster stepped away from their podium.

There was a moment of silence after which a faint grinding sound could be heard as a chair was dragged into place. Shortly afterwards an Asura in red-and-black armor hopped up.

"Yes, we Inquest have studied Sylvari and Mordrem extensively and can say, without a doubt, they are not the same." The Asura said calmly.

The Charr's mouth dropped open for a moment.

"Why are you even HERE?!" they roared.

"Excuse me?! How rude! I am a respected advisor to the Pact I will have you know!" the Asura exclaimed.

"He is! AND a good friend." the Norn Warmaster added.

The Charr looked around a moment.

"The INQUEST?! They worked for the mad Sylvari that WOKE Mordremoth!" the Charr yelled.

"Ahem, ALLEGEDLY, Mr. Charrbookah." The Asura countered.

The Charr closed his eyes a moment, bringing a hand up to carefully rub their muzzle before opening them again.


"Yes, really. Look, the Inquest that supported and supplied the Aetherblade pirates were a splinter group we bear no responsibility for, just like the ones that are allegedly supplying bandits and Nightmare Court in the Brisban Wildlands. We naturally know nothing about the group that regularly murders the present King of Skrittsburgh nor the Inquest that killed first responders to the Zephyrite crash. The Crucible of Eternity came uh, as a TOTAL SURPRISE to us, as are all of the deepwater facilities like Terror 7." The Asura rattled off, though they had to swallow the odd laugh.

The Charr stared at the Warmaster a moment, who glared back haughtily.

"I think you have a problem with Asura, Soldier. And Sylvari." the Norn said.

"I have a problem with INQUEST and STUPIDITY." the Charr snapped back.

"Racist!" The Norn retaliated.

"Racist? That doesn't even... Severed titan testicles.. why are you listening to this?!" the Charr asked, aghast.

"Dr. Slokkit is very smart, a good friend and adorable. I will not hear anything said against them." The Norn said coolly.

"Look, the Sylvari seem to be going barmier by the day, I mean Trahearn seems to be aces but what's this about Caithe buggering off with a Dragon Egg? This Mordremoth got woken by a Sylvari! There's rumors it got into their head, and if that's the case why not just have Sylvari go hold the line against the other Dragons while we go put the boot in Mordremoth?"
the Charr pleaded.

"That would show precious little faith in our fine ferny friends, Mr. Charrbookah!" The Norn replied, smiling at the Inquest subdirector as they copied their insult.

"We're not going to alter the plans for a racist." they added.

The Charr snapped their muzzle shut audibly, lips twitching.

"That ain't the point! It's just tactics, use people where they do the best work!" they said, struggling to keep calm.

"Well, I think they will do just fine." the Asura said.

"You're INQUEST." the Charr snarled.

"And you're a Charrbookah!" the Asura responded. There was a variety of faint tittering about the room, and a hearty guffaw from the Norn Warmaster.

"You're going to get them all killed you little bastard!" the Charr snarled.

"Now why would I do that?" the Asura asked snidely.
"Surely you don't think that the Inquest believes we can save the Asura from the Dragons by ourselves, do you? Why, haven't we been forthcoming with all we know about the Elder Dragons?" they finished, affecting an air of wounded innocence.

"NO, you HAVEN'T. In fact, I've been reading reports and you lot have been not only keeping information- but actively preventing folks from GETTING it." the Charr growled.

"Splinters we can't be held responsible for." The Asura said airily. "And we have shared all sorts of information, like a very convincing paper detailing how the Elder Dragons are actually really allergic to magic and don't eat it and that's why they have their minions soak it up instead."

"MARMOC CRAP!" the Charr roared.

"That's it, I've had enough of your racism and abuse of the good Dr. Slokkit. Escort him out of here." the Norn Warmaster said, gesturing for two pact troopers to go to the Charr.

The Charr bared his teeth at the warmaster and then stomped out before the 'escort' could reach them.

The Asura hopped down from the chair, giggling under their breath as they turned the podium back over to the warmaster with a smile. "Bookahs..." they whispered to themselves. The Norn Warmaster looked back out over the remaining Pact leaders- which they noticed with a fleeting frown was now seemingly smaller number than before. They shook their head.

"Any other questions from non-racists who understand the spirit of unity that the Pact was founded on? Good. I think we'll have Mr. Charbookah join the ground forces that stay behind and wave us off from the fort!" they announced. This was met with uncertain forced laughter.

"Ok, get your game faces on! The Airships are ready to go and we're going to get underway just as soon as we can! To victory!" they exclaimed. The remaining people present all cheered, except for Dr. Slokkit, who was rolling on the ground, laughing.

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