Wednesday, April 1, 2015

New, From Arketer Labs!

Progress Continues!

Big changes starting TODAY. I have fired #0. No more will we endure this namby-pamby whinging over 'security risks'.

I started a twitter some time ago under an assumed name, discreetly proposing my long-suppressed desires to build truly AWESOME weapons. I then systematically blocked everyone who implied such things would be immoral or unethical.

Now, strangely enough, I only have people telling me how my weapons would be the absolute BEST THING to solve all of the worlds ills and- you know what- they're right.

Well, the good news is that if you come to his house right after a disaster, he'll get you armed up. Unless you turn up around six days later, 'cause then he'll shoot you dead.

So, it's time to announce some new projects!

First off we have the suicide ray! This novel weapon emits frequencies that specifically target the areas of the brain associated with shame and self-directed loathing while at the same time dampening inhibition. I was inspired to this one by the movie Kingsman, wherein a less efficient method was employed.

Be the first to buy one and reply to the next person to tell you to kill yourself by insisting they go first.

Assuming we haven't employed the satellite-mounted macro-scale on your particular country in which case I am sure we can reroute your purchase to any surviving next-of-kin or refund your estate.

By the way, did you know Doctor Strangelove was practically a documentary?

Progress continues!

(It's April Fools, this is all a joke. Except for the Gun Nut who is definitely not joking and the New Yorker, who I only hope is.)

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