Aloha Eloha

Progress continues!

Things are looking up. Not entirely up, of course, and we started off looking at the ground- but I'd say things are looking directly toward the horizon now at least.

Unfortunately that's all #0 would let me say about that.

Meanwhile, have you ever felt that the theory of Evolution was... lacking? That, yes, it's very solid, but wouldn't it be much more plausible for all life on earth to have been crafted- not by an omnipotent creator- but by exiled Alien Geneticists who... I guess evolved on their own planet? Wait, I don't think you're supposed to think about that detail. Or at all, but rather simply rejoice!

Yes! Listen to the soothing smurf-voiced narrator as he regales you with the tale of how french Auto Journalist Claude Vorilhon was compelled to park and was greeted by, yes, Space Michael Jackson- who popped out of a WAY too small UFO to explain to Claude that there was no evolution!

No, THEY created all life and tailored every change that would become of them. They designed everything to have harmony, beauty and balance- including mating rituals.

Ducks, however, were crafted by the dangerously perverse Xorhvaal Unglhepper

But I'm getting ahead of myself. These Alien creators, in response to being confused for gods by older generations of Humanity apparently resolved to just roll with it and thus created every religion on earth. It should really come as no surprise that every revered religious figure was totally a Raelian Emissary- each one crafted by one of these so-called Scientists landing on earth to knock up a human woman in the classic fashion.

Correct me if I'm wrong, Scientists of the world, but something about that method of study seems deeply flawed.

Also if these Eloha were the Gods of the Greek and Roman Pantheons- our best strategy for welcoming them back is with an overwhelming nuclear strike.

Meanwhile Claude Vorilhon, the interviewer of Space Mike, has moved on to change his name to Rael 'the' Maitreya and has written a number of books sharing the message of the designers while advocating toplessness for women- though being fair, his logic for that one is the most solid of the lot.

And he does it all looking like this, in all sincerity. I don't advise exposing yourself to more than five minutes. In older videos he claims to be the half-brother of Jesus.

The video above, while mostly saying 'to be a Raelian is to be smart happy and sexy' also features TWO REVELATIONS ABOUT THE ELOHIM. It's reason for existing in fact.

The Elohim reached a certain technology level and then stopped researching, you see, because knowledge is infinite- why keep studying? They also don't explore the limitless universe because it is in fact limitless, so why bother. They're just content to be happy where they are. Aside from creating us and popping by now and again to give Claude Telepathic News Updates.

We're very close to the technology level they stopped at as well, don't you know.

Fascinating news to me, I thought we were centuries away from interstellar-flight-capable clown cars. Which, I might note, if Rael gets his way, may be landing soon at a Raelian Embassy! The moment someone gives them the money and space to build it.

Yes, soon our progenitors will reveal themselves at this Embassy, but only after it's built and in the meantime will communicate solely through an ahbsurdily french cuolt leahdar.

The Elohim apparently refuse to land their clown cars next to any buildings that don't look significantly sillier.

How this relates to our present woes is that Rael's cult are the only ones thus far interested in doing business with this Retekra Industries.

It's of 'religious' importance to them, you see. Raelians don't believe in an afterlife, they believe in immortality through cloning. Every adherent of their faith is 'baptised' in a manner which supposedly uploads a copy of their genetic template up to an Elohim supercomputer so as to ensure their avoidance of oblivion.

Despite more advanced (if stagnant) aliens having their back though, the Raelians purport to be Doing It For Themselves- having been running the, hah, dubiously legitimate Clonaid.

If you read the Clonaid page, it doesn't seem that dissimilar from my blog here, only it is in fact complete rubbish.

Unlike Arketer Labs.

Clonaid purports to have created a great many clones, but just the baby ones that take forever to grow and inevitably wind up being erratically-designed individuals rather than Bob 2.

Also they may or may not be cloning Michael Jackson!

"Commending Michael Jackson’s ‘pioneer vision of cloning,’
Clonaid reaffirms its privacy policy
LAS VEGAS, July 8 – After fielding numerous inquiries about the possible cloning of Michael Jackson, Dr. Brigitte Boisselier, head of Clonaid, today reaffirmed the company’s policy of strictly respecting the privacy of each of its patients.
Boisselier expressed admiration for Michael Jackson as an artist and also commended his courage in expressing support for human cloning at a time when it was getting much negative publicity in the press.
“Michael was a visionary who wasn’t afraid to embrace new technologies,” she said. “I’m glad his interest in cloning is being revealed now, since he was a pioneer in his views about it back in 2002 and his fans ought to know about it.”

“Clonaid prides itself on never releasing the identity of the numerous individuals who have been cloned in the past six years,” Boisselier said. “Even if that policy has been at the cost of my reputation, it’s important for us that the celebrities and other interested parties contacting us know they won’t be betrayed.”"

Slickly done bit of writing there trying to sneak-reveal that they supposedly had Mr. Jackson for a clie- patient!

 I wonder if they confused him for a lost Eloha. It would seem very easy to do.

Carefully designed Elohim art. a tortoise attempting to mate with a shoe. Did you know every male turtle harbors a shoggoth in their shell? That wacky Xorhvaal.

Not quite scientifically accurate, but more accurate than the original articles at least.

This crazy train has no rails to go off of, so someone can comment or e-mail me if they'd like to know more about this lot.

Progress continues!

Jex Blackmore and the Goblet of the Liar

Progress continues!

Actually as a whole there have been few if any positive developments. Retekra Industries continues to exist and there is no clear angle of attack on them, yet. Comically however, though they've been peddling the stolen technology around looking for investment no variation of Freeze-Your-Head-Until-Death-Is-Cured Inc. is taking them seriously.

The Raelians, however, are ecstatic and hammering on their door despite claiming to have produced a great many human clones already. If you have no idea who I'm talking about, it will be my pleasure to get to that in the next update.

No, today I wanted to focus on something nice and light-hearted- like the unveiling of the monument to baphomet unveiled by the Satanic Temple, Detroit Chapter.

Baphomet the Happy Goat, friend to Dick and Sally! So edgy. So edgy. Times Article : HERE

If you should happen to read that article you might notice the spokesperson is one Jex Blackmore. Would it surprise you to learn after that THAT IS NOT HER REAL NAME?!

Take that Mrs. Miggins! Who's in timeout NOW?!

It's really very funny. She's a few shades away from insisting her name is Hex Blackmores. They chose that name for 'security reasons' of course. Not at all because it goes so well with the tattoos.

I assume Lady Blackwood was too derivative and on-the-nose.

Anyhow, their mission statement is that they do not worship Satan- Satan's just a symbol representing rebelling against arbitary authority. They actually stand for rationality, justice, empathy and all the good things. Which is why they chose the Father of Lies as their mascot, you can trust them!

It's totally not just edgy petty rebellion against the SHEEPLE.

Actually, let's take a closer look at what they claim to believe.

"The Satanic Temple practices non-theistic Satanism, we believe that religion can, and should, be divorced from superstition. As such, we do not believe in either God or the Devil as supernatural forces. We bow to no god or gods and celebrate our outsider status. To embrace the name Satan is to embrace rational inquiry removed from supernaturalism and archaic tradition-based superstitions. The Satanist should actively work to hone critical thinking and exercise reasonable inquiry in all things. Our beliefs must be malleable to the best current scientific understandings of the material world — never the reverse." - About Us

Well, aside of embracing Satan it would seem all Scientists are in fact devout Satanists- which curiously enough cycles back around to promoting what knee-jerky dark-age Churches were saying while they screeched for Galileo to be pilloried. Wrong from the opposite direction! Brilliant.

Curiously they seem to be under the impression that their religion is science, but science really is a poor religion. A great pursuit- among the most noble of endeavors- but not a great religion. Religion is about faith. Science is about knowledge.

Maybe these guys are on the level though! Let's take a look at these Scientists in action.

You know, I can't recall ever seeing a lab or church that featured a... mosh pit, is it? It would be VERY hard to get anything done.

Really it looks like they're having fun but it's equally clear this is little more than the Detroit Chapter of the Temple of Fuck You Dan You're Not Even My Real Dad.

Curiously, their revelries- however designed to piss off Christians- do little more than speak well of modern-day Christians. I mean, those comments above are rather short on vows of vengeance on behalf of an Omniscient, Omnipowerful Deity- which is apt, if they actually piss off such an entity no mortal agency need act on their behalf and no agency at all could stop them.

Can you picture this happening in Iran, though? Saudi Arabia? Anywhere in an Islamic nation?

The grand unveiling, short on mosh but BIG on pit.

Meanwhile the satanic monument isn't half as horrifying as one person attending the unveiling. (Not work safe, Satanists are big on transparent tops apparently)

If you click that link you may wonder who that is. Just the one gives me chills, the rest are just neutral, funny and/or sad. Make a game of it if you like! I'll give you some time to guess.

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Yes, you guessed it, it's...

It's like the Joker gassed her.

Of all the people photographed there, this is the one I think is most likely to poison my coffee.

You can tell they have determined their 'good side' and 'good angle' but it doesn't really help when the hollowness of their life radiates out of their eyes. Lady, put away the makeup, get the hell out of there and find value in yourself divorced from aesthetics- it's either already there or can be cultivated in short order.

Those are two different pictures by the way. I had to look at them twice to be sure myself.


If that insincere grin was any wider, her jaw would be in danger of falling off. It appears set to unhinge at any moment.

Terrifying.

Anyhow, moving on- I learned many things looking over those photos including what I believe a Satanic Poetry session must look like.

"Black. Like my Soul. Like the Pain of being told Daddy would not replace my totaled Beemer. Fuck you Christian Daddy." *audience fingersnaps*

Wait, do you see them? I have Spotted Satan! In this very picture!

And the angels wept, for it sounded like ass. Like Powdered Toast Man flying home after sitting on a traffic cone.

*low whistling sound*

He's white, male and old with nothing approaching fashion sense and is quite possibly the only person there not drawing on their parent's money. Check and Mate, Nemesis of the Soul.

Is it too late for them to re-do the monument?

Unrelated to anything, but excellent.

Progress continues!

Betrayal

Progress continues.

Don't be too alarmed by the title, there has been no NEW betrayal since this last unfortunate one. Well, of us anyway.

The rogue employee has been accounted for. Twice, in fact. First we found a body that had been extensively modified to LOOK like the foolish individual, but the DNA did not match. An effort to fake the death and make it clear it was faked to create the illusion the employee's benefactors were covering for them. That would have been a rather clever way to discredit my predictions and perhaps encouraged further treachery.

However, through means I am not about to reveal here we eventually tracked the former henchperson down, literally, to where they had been disposed of, buried deep in a landfill. Employees are welcome to check the information themselves and a brief wake will be held before their remains are interred respectfully.

We were fortunate on this point. Unfortunately the agency responsible for this has cleaned up after itself quite thoroughly, which was to be expected. They have been at this longer than Arketer Labs has existed or I have even been alive.

Now, you might ask if they are going to go through the trouble of faking the death of the traitor, why still kill them at all?

Because they don't want to encourage treachery in their own people. Just ours. They don't want to take the risk their own people will see someone profit handsomely from betrayal and consider making a bargain of their own.

This is not for any love of loyalty as a virtue, it's just practical- and hypocritical. The people at the top are just... full of treachery. The only backs they wouldn't stab are their own, but I wouldn't be surprised if they viewed themselves suspiciously in the mirror all the same.

When THEY do it of course, it's clever and practical- such as the killing the rogue employee. When someone beneath it does it, it's unacceptable and must be punished lethally.

Which they do, because they can.

Speaking of treachery and shit-heels at the top, have you heard about the Ashley Madison hacking?

Just to take a break from personal recent events, while remaining very very relevant to the topic of treachery...

An online website created to better enable people with hearts as constant as a fart, but not as honest and somewhat more vile, Ashley Madison was hacked by a group calling themselves Impact Team.

Impact Team didn't really care about the cheating, supposedly, but did take issue with the fact that the company promised to delete all personal information from the site on request... for a nominal fee... and did not.

What? A company run to encourage people to betray their supposed loved ones betrayed their faceless customers they don't really know for a profit?! Say it ain't so!

As such Impact Team has issued an ultimatum to the owner, apparently one Noel Biderman, to take down Ashley Madison and Established Men- the latter being a dating site for wealthy men who are happy to have their pick of attractive women with nothing more than a monetary interest in them- or alternatively by some accusations effectively a prostitution network. The difference becomes very hard to define when either way it's all about money.

If Biderman refuses, Impact Team will release the stolen personal data of the Ashley Madison customers. There has been a released example already.

What is perhaps most amazing is the curious amount of sympathy the media has been showing everyone involved in this besides the hackers. Wired.com said "At first glance, the breach seems like an almost unprecedented personal privacy disaster:.."

Unprecedented, yes, in sheer numbers. But what is most hideous about this is that there were 33.5 million or so Ashley Madison customers to expose in the first place. The hack of the U.S. Government's OPM netted only 22.1 million people's personal information. Which was still enough to make America China's Gimp.

But I digress.

I rather hope Impact Team successfully releases the information, because all I have seen of Noel Biderman suggests they will not acquiesce.

Ashley Madison: The Most Honest Site on the Internet. Lie to the person you married to sleep with strangers! Honestly!
This video was uploaded to YouTube BY Ashley Madison by the way.

No one this full of crap is going to heed such a thing. The best thing that can come of this is that the angry customers destroy this guy financially. Exposed or not, Impact Team has made it clear they were very betrayed by this guy and however much someone could argue they deserved it, there is no reason they should be any happier with this treachery profiteer.

That is a fascinating video by the way, interviews with happy customers who exhibit a cognitive dissonance you can hear.

Mind you, I have a measure of sympathy for some of these cheaters. People do marry the wrong people, it happens, especially with so many wrong people out there- but we already invented the solution to that problem. It's called divorce.

Anything else is cowardice, treachery, greed or all of the above. Greed above all rules the day for the likes of Biderman. By the way, the chief outcome of that appearance on Dr. Phil was that Ashley Madison got to start advertising 'AS SEEN ON DR.PHIL'.

As for Impact Team, I hope they are protecting themselves. There are no doubt some people with power and money on that list of names they've got, quite possibly the reason the media has soft-pedaled this as some horrifying act. 

Impact Team can be accused of far less treachery than anyone else in this absurdity. Criminal, yes. Wrong? Yes, but less so than everyone else. Go team lesser evil!

Speaking of lesser evils and going back to our own personal problems- we caught some of the minions used by the agency that might have killed, but certainly had a hand in disposing of the body of the rogue employee.

They're still alive and if they have any friends or family to claim them from the local police drunk tank, where they stew under suspicion of narcotics use only vaguely aware of their own names and completely incapable of remembering things such as where they live... They'll be fine. They'll remember almost everything in time.

They knew nothing unfortunately, all of them just middlemen following orders from people they know nothing about, paid well for their ignorance. They know even less now, of course, and will find their bank accounts almost entirely empty. One of them was funding vital medical treatments for a relative, their money is now in that relative's account. Whether they get any of it back will have to be that relative's call I suppose.

If it stays there, diminishing only to cover the payments, it will never quite empty.

Enough of this grim business, yes? How about some comedy?

Progress continues.

Security Breach

Progress continues, albeit with complications.

One of our researchers went rogue recently, unprecedented really. Somehow a certain shadowy coalition of self-styled elites we shall refrain from naming established a line of communication with them and plied them with promises of great wealth and, I suspect this was the more compelling argument, immortality.

In previous entries you may recall I have mentioned what the official stance on immortality is at Arketer Labs. We don't pursue it. It is certain to result in stagnation, a breakdown of the social contract, elites with delusions of Godhood- and that's just some of the middle-ground scenarios. Immortality for all means a population crisis in short order, starvation, the utter depletion of natural resources...

In short, about the only form of immortality that is theoretically not disastrous across the board is digitization, if that could be said to be anything but creating Artificial Intelligences with the idea they were once human.

Immortality is a dead end, perhaps ironically. Strictly speaking it's not even possible. Our universe is far too dangerous for that to be the case.

Still, the lure of at least indefinite mortal life is a powerful one. Odds are it will be invented at some point. The book of Revelation in the Christian Bible hints that such a thing has at least been imagined in human culture for a long time.

"During those days people will seek death but will not find it; they will long to die, but death will elude them."

Of course, this is out of context dramatically and furthermore comes from the book of the bible that reads a bit like it was written by Hunter S. Thompson on a particularly bad LSD trip.

And the horses had faces of men but I wasn't wearing pants and then there was the Archangel Gabriel who looked alarming like my great-grandmother and called me a wussyboy. Lo.

Still, it does aptly describe what would ultimately become of immortals.

The lure of immortality however deleterious and hollow a thing it may be in practice is again a powerful one all the same. This is proven by the existence of Calico Labs, founded by Google and the perhaps less reputable but more immediately useful Alcor Life Extension Foundation, for freezing your brain should future super-scientists feel inclined to go out of their way to popping it into a new and deathless body.

Neither of these entities had any hand in what lured the researcher into going rogue. The researcher themselves was involved in our work with cloning, all such research pointedly away from anything along the lines of becoming a Clonus Horror situation.

This researcher, nevertheless, apparently was rather keen on the idea of either transferring their consciousness or, failing the sufficient development of a technology that would allow that, perhaps just popping their brain into a new, younger body when their age advanced beyond their liking.

And so, with considerable outside help, they have breached contract, trust and all manner of good judgement to vanish, with outside help and entirely too much of our research data.

#0, as you can imagine, is livid- but not with me for once, so there is a bright side to everything.

Now, in a situation like this many would assume I am or should be very angry. I am not, I leave that to #0 in fact. I do wish to recover the research data and would like to hold the traitor accountable, but ultimately doubt the former is possible and that the latter will be necessary.

Given the 'fingerprints' of the agency involved in this, I highly doubt the researcher will be seen again alive. Whatever they were promised, their value to this agency ended the moment they acquired our data and they are not inclined to treasure traitors. They betray each other fairly regularly, of course- but it's alright when THEY do it because they're so ELITE you see- when LESSERS do it they're just proving themselves slightly more expendable than usual.

Pompous gits.

Another reason they will not be terribly thrilled with their acquisition is that the researcher in question did not quite succeed in securing all of our data. Enough, mind you, to prove troubling still, but I think they did not QUITE get what their benefactors wanted.

Meanwhile we've determined there is a new corporation, no doubt rather hollow still, that has been- to a degree- discreetly formed to take advantage of the stolen data. It's a taunt directed squarely at me, as can be seen in the name itself.

Retekra Industries.

Get it? GET IT?!

Ugh.

More on this as things develop. I rather feel that this is something of a punitive gesture as well, for my attempts to stress the need to dispel the miasma of fear so many live in- which is very much part of this agency's plan.

If so, this seems like a further bad joke. It's really not as if anyone but the odd few employees and their agents read this silly thing of mine.

Trippy video courtesy of Google's Artificial Neural Networks

Pictures HERE (Not all of which are work/mind safe.)

Progress continues.

Seven Things You Shouldn't Tell Your Dog

Progress Continues!

In my last update I was incredibly critical of a rather miserable piece of clickbait, but if I am going to mock something I might as well try and make something comparable of my own to see how hard it actually is.

As such, I present to you, Mostly Random People on the Internet:

Seven Things You Shouldn't Tell Your Dog!

I have attempted to recreate the essential clickbait experience, specifically the fact that to see all seven you'll need to click through seven pages not including this one. Unfortunately at this time it would not be advisable to layer each page in the several megabytes of flashing, deceptive and unpredictably noisy advertisements that are their raison d'etre.

I trust you will forgive me. If not, stare into the following video until you feel significantly groovier.

Progress Continues!

Remedial Human Interaction 101

Progress Continues.

Complaints noted, I will give it some time before I return to mockery of ISIS and the Star Dancers. I would insist the point stands, however.

In other news, can you imagine a website built to offer tips and hints for romance and society... as written by insecure narcissist?

I couldn't, but then I stumbled across Womanitely.com. Womanitely : Definitely for Women

Even though this website was clearly not for me, a not-woman, I was drawn to it by this wonderful clickbait article, "9 Things You Should Never Say to Men"

Join me now, as we see what sage advice author Jennifer Houston has for us.


1. "You are a Momma's Boy."

Apparently this is the absolute worst thing you can say to an actual Momma's boy. Miss Houston knows this from experience and this is why they personally don't have much to do with Momma's Boys. She believes that if you want to be with a Momma's Boy, YOU MUST LOVE THEIR MOTHER MORE THAN YOUR OWN. Which you may note is not a rational expectation.

Otherwise, seek a mate who doesn't particularly give a crap about their Mother I guess?

2. "Tell me more about your Ex."

This is supposedly because asking about their ex 'will not win their heart' and if you know about their ex 'you will never improve your relationship'. Which is probably true, because it will have triggered your crippling insecurity and you will sabotage the remainder of the relationship with shrill demands for constant assurance you are the superior mate.

3."Look that girl looks so fabulous!"

"This sentence ruined many relationships."- for people with crippling insecurity. Yes, once again if you comment to a man that another woman looks nice- he might agree- and since you are a hollow shell of a human being who is terrified that some other hollow shell of a human being might be prettier, the only metric you believe men capable of understanding apparently, the following uncertainty of personal value will surely tank the relationship. But it's actually the fault of the sentence.

4. "You can't have fun."

You like to party! He likes to spend a quiet evening at home. You should indeed "Think twice before telling him, “you should learn how to relax and have fun because you are so shy and boring.”"

This is because that would be counterproductive, however. Not because "Once you tell him that, he will never want to see you again, no matter how much he loves you.". If they do in fact ditch you the moment you make such a gaff, odds are fairly good they were something of a ticking dramabomb of sorts anyway- or there is a bit more to the story.

Perhaps it was something more of a last straw after being asked about their ex and then having to spend the next week reassuring them that if they wanted to stay with their ex they probably would have only to spend the week after THAT apologizing for agreeing with their offhand comment about how a random woman looked.

Just guessing.

Great news though, you introverts, you may not know how to have fun- but Miss Houston recognizes that you make the best husbands and most loyal mates, though I suspect this is largely credited on the belief you will rarely leave the house for anything other than work.

5. "Am I beautiful?"

What a trend.

This is the hardest pitfall for the insanely insecure to avoid, because unlike #2 and #3, this one requires neither a pre-existing Ex OR a random woman who you think looks nice. Why, at any moment your crippling insecurity might prompt you to demand assurance you are in fact beautiful while your fledgling self-awareness itches in the back of your mind that maybe there should be a bit more to you as a person- which will be projected onto them as perceived insincerity.

Remember though, if your man isn't regularly praising your beauty "..it doen’t(sic) mean that you are not beautiful. Probably, he doesn’t love you at all."

In all honesty there are any number of reasons a man might not regularly praise a woman's beauty. It could be such overwhelming beauty that just for them to contemplate it prompts a mental reboot necessitating a willful ignorance just to maintain operational! Or they could be a Finn, who no doubt appreciates the beauty, but must focus in order to bring down the next Moose and thus survive the winter. Or they might be under the delusion they have not wound up in a relationship with a woman who believes their only value to another human being is to dazzle the eyes.

Really, if you are THIS insecure what you desperately need is a mute man, so you can imagine that if they COULD speak, they would be just waxing poetic about the random genetic chance, diet, workout routine and cosmetics that you seem to believe are all that counts towards being you constantly.

6. "You have terrible fashion sense."

You'll damage their self-esteem with this one, ladies. Happily, they won't break up with you for this as with "You can't have fun", though quite likely because if these situations seem familiar to you, they would have left by now already. If they are actually still around- "You can slowly get rid of his old clothes and buy new ones, if you live together. If not, then try to go shopping together every time he wants to buy a shirt or a jacket." Not at all creepy or controlling.

I am sure it is far better to follow their advice, never talk about their taste in clothes, and just dispose of the clothes you don't like. Sentimental value to the clothes? SENTIMENTAL VALUE HOW, HUH?! YOU DIDN'T GIVE THEM THOSE CLOTHES! WHO DID! WHO DID! CHEAT! CHEAT! YOU DON'T LOVE ME!


7. "When will you call me and I see you again?"

The author notes that while this is "...not a pride," it will nonetheless come off as rather clingy. But it's so very tempting in their experience.

Which by now isn't terribly surprising. No reason to ask these questions though, if they enjoyed their time with you they will probably wish to spend more time with you. If all you have going for you is a pretty veneer painted on a gaping void of desperate insecurity however, it may take awhile to find a guy so desperate for something pretty to look at regularly they will endure your absurdly dramatic demands for constant reassurance and your purging of their wardrobe in a perceived clever scheme to dress them up just the way you like.

Alternatively you can perhaps turn your back on the shallow vanity fair lifestyle and maybe cultivate in yourself a charm and peace of mind not contingent on being the prettiest woman in the room at all times or the point of obsession for a man you can assuage your feeling of powerlessness on by dressing up like a ken doll.

SMBC, still the best.

Bear with me, just two more to go.

8. "It's just a work."

If your significant other is frustrated by something, it's not common for the correct course of action to be "Tell them how whatever is frustrating them is a stupid thing to be frustrated by." This is perhaps especially true when that thing is work.

To be fair, this is perhaps one that I am going to be particularly sensitive to. After all, my work largely DEFINES me. It is my PURPOSE. If I wasn't invested in Arketer Labs I definitely would not have put my name on it nor basically resolved to live my life out in hardened laboratory facilities.

I pride myself on being reasonable, but if my spouse said this I would be tempted to strap them into one of the emergency escape pods and wish them well where they landed.

9. "You will never become successful."

Big finish! This is not just something you probably shouldn't say to a man you're in a relationship with, it's the sort of thing you shouldn't be saying to anyone you don't especially dislike. In fact, it would be far easier to just go over the situations in which this is a thing you SHOULD say this.

Your friend believes they will learn to fly if they just keep jumping off of the roof.

You are a cartoon or movie hero responding to the villain's monologue about their brilliant plan.

And now, some bonus Things You Should Not Say (Sincerely) To a Presumed Loved One.

• If you leave me I will kill your dog.
• I know how to spay or neuter someone without waking them up.
• Abandon all hope of deception, the voices can read your mind.
• Direct eye contact is a challenge to my dominance.
• I hold you personally responsible for my poor upbringing that has led me to believe everything I ever read in Cosmo.

Progress continues!

Fear and Laughter at Home and Abroad

Progress continues!

Now whether you found that funny or not, you might note that what ISIS does is not really that funny. Why not long ago they released a three part video of them killing supposed spies and other violators of their insane doctrines in a manner of horrible ways.

Detailed thusly by Generic White Guy so you can enjoy the fear and outrage without seeing anything terribly icky.

One of the the things Generic White Guy notes is that ISIS apparently went through the trouble of procuring waterproof cameras just to be sure they didn't miss a single good shot of people drowning.

So, in addition to being idiots driven by religious intolerance and zealotry, one might suggest that they are perhaps even more certain to be snuff movie fetishists.

Meanwhile while the murder of innocents is not funny, the perversity of the murderers who presume to be holy warriors is quite mockable.

I mean, apparently just killing people by shooting them and cutting off their heads just isn't doing it for these guys anymore is it? Nope, hardly gets the pulse going- it's so mundane to them.

It's almost as if they had to have a board meeting to come up with novel new ways of murdering innocents.

"Ah, Achmed, I grow so BORED with just rambling madly into a camera and decapitating an infidel."

"I hear you, brother. It just doesn't have the same thrill anymore. But what shall we do?"

"What if we... put them into a car and then shot the car with a rocket launcher!"

"Brilliant, fun AND sexy! But a car only seats four to five, and we have many more people to murder than that."

"Ok, ok, I'm getting more ideas, so exciting."

"Me too, brother, I'm at half-mast, keep 'em coming!"

"Ok, so, we put them in a cage and then... toss in a grenade!"

"I'm getting shivers! Go on!"

"Next we put them in a cage and... drop the cage in water, drowning them!"

"Oh, uh, but we can't watch them die underwater, can we? That... kind of ruins it for me."

"Wait, we'll get waterproof cameras!"

"Dude, that is HAWT!"

"And for the finale... Get this, we'll line them up and put detonation cord around their necks in one long line, then donate it!"

"It'll be like that scene from Infidel Movie Kingsman! Ohallah I just..."

 

"FETCH THE DONKEYS!"

Now there are no shortage of people in the wider world who would be horribly offended by this mockery of ISIS. They might ask if I am trying to provoke them into violence, which I can answer now by saying 'no'. There is zero chance this bit of mockery will prompt them to increase their murder rate notably.

They might imply that my mockery makes me in some part responsible for the atrocities ISIS carries out, which I am pretty sure ISIS would agree- one of the first reasons the suggestion is absurd. The entire idea they can make other people responsible for their butchery is part of their reasoning in pursuing it. Telling them in any way that this is working only emboldens them to do ever worse until everyone starts doing precisely what they say.

Which is, again, a truly laughable prospect.

See the kittens above? What if I told you I was going to kill a kitten every day someone failed to turn over supreme governmental authority to me, or somewhere in the vicinity of one trillion dollars.

Would all of the authorities who failed to do this be responsible for the deaths of those kittens?

So why would anyone be responsible for the deaths of ISIS' victims other than ISIS?

They are not truly obligated to murder anyone than I am obligated to murder a kitten because people aren't giving me power and/or money. Ridicule or no ridicule.

And therein I would additionally stress is found the best way to handle terrorists, which is to deny them that which they crave most- to be feared.

No, instead we should find any and all reasons to mock and laugh at these murderous lunatics as they impotently attempt to influence the globe by murdering all sorts of people who have far more in common with them than they do their espoused enemies and the occasional foreigner.

In lovingly documented ways that they surely aren't masturbating to.

And the more we can laugh at them, the better. We need to dissipate this miasma of fear a media that profits from it even more than ISIS perpetuates- nothing does that better than laughter.

A short supporting article, here.

This suggestion goes beyond ISIS and terrorists. There are lesser, more mundane, and far more impotent fearmongers.

Yes, Internet Tough Guys. Twitter assholes. A week's compilation of such was made by one Anita Sarkeesian, HERE. Miss Sarkeesian has famously left their home and had a police guard at public appearances over such.

But if even a quarter of the threats she has received were valid and serious- if even a tenth, then we would have spent much of the last year watching a tense live broadcast as Police battled the Misogyny Gangs outside of her fortified residence.

Just as a by-the-way.

Mind you, I am not saying the harassment should be ignored or is somehow acceptable, what I am saying is that accepting it all as a worthy reason to be fearful is counterproductive. (Unless you want to drive wealthy people and the dramatically inclined to 'save' you with Patreon.)

These jerks aren't saying such things to make someone feel safe and secure.

No, the harassment should not be ignored. Hold it up! Run it up the flagpole! Then point and laugh.

Frank's demonstrating a good strategy. Look at these jerks! They apparently sincerely believe their nigh unintelligible dribblings are going to destroy him! That's ripe comedy material indeed. Why should anyone do anything other than publicly mock them?

Progress continues.