Monday, July 13, 2015

Remedial Human Interaction 101

Progress Continues.

Complaints noted, I will give it some time before I return to mockery of ISIS and the Star Dancers. I would insist the point stands, however.

In other news, can you imagine a website built to offer tips and hints for romance and society... as written by insecure narcissist?

I couldn't, but then I stumbled across Womanitely : Definitely for Women

Even though this website was clearly not for me, a not-woman, I was drawn to it by this wonderful clickbait article, "9 Things You Should Never Say to Men"

Join me now, as we see what sage advice author Jennifer Houston has for us.

1. "You are a Momma's Boy."

Apparently this is the absolute worst thing you can say to an actual Momma's boy. Miss Houston knows this from experience and this is why they personally don't have much to do with Momma's Boys. She believes that if you want to be with a Momma's Boy, YOU MUST LOVE THEIR MOTHER MORE THAN YOUR OWN. Which you may note is not a rational expectation.

Otherwise, seek a mate who doesn't particularly give a crap about their Mother I guess?

2. "Tell me more about your Ex."

This is supposedly because asking about their ex 'will not win their heart' and if you know about their ex 'you will never improve your relationship'. Which is probably true, because it will have triggered your crippling insecurity and you will sabotage the remainder of the relationship with shrill demands for constant assurance you are the superior mate.

3."Look that girl looks so fabulous!"

"This sentence ruined many relationships."- for people with crippling insecurity. Yes, once again if you comment to a man that another woman looks nice- he might agree- and since you are a hollow shell of a human being who is terrified that some other hollow shell of a human being might be prettier, the only metric you believe men capable of understanding apparently, the following uncertainty of personal value will surely tank the relationship. But it's actually the fault of the sentence.

4. "You can't have fun."

You like to party! He likes to spend a quiet evening at home. You should indeed "Think twice before telling him, “you should learn how to relax and have fun because you are so shy and boring.”"

This is because that would be counterproductive, however. Not because "Once you tell him that, he will never want to see you again, no matter how much he loves you.". If they do in fact ditch you the moment you make such a gaff, odds are fairly good they were something of a ticking dramabomb of sorts anyway- or there is a bit more to the story.

Perhaps it was something more of a last straw after being asked about their ex and then having to spend the next week reassuring them that if they wanted to stay with their ex they probably would have only to spend the week after THAT apologizing for agreeing with their offhand comment about how a random woman looked.

Just guessing.

Great news though, you introverts, you may not know how to have fun- but Miss Houston recognizes that you make the best husbands and most loyal mates, though I suspect this is largely credited on the belief you will rarely leave the house for anything other than work.

5. "Am I beautiful?"

What a trend.

This is the hardest pitfall for the insanely insecure to avoid, because unlike #2 and #3, this one requires neither a pre-existing Ex OR a random woman who you think looks nice. Why, at any moment your crippling insecurity might prompt you to demand assurance you are in fact beautiful while your fledgling self-awareness itches in the back of your mind that maybe there should be a bit more to you as a person- which will be projected onto them as perceived insincerity.

Remember though, if your man isn't regularly praising your beauty " doen’t(sic) mean that you are not beautiful. Probably, he doesn’t love you at all."

In all honesty there are any number of reasons a man might not regularly praise a woman's beauty. It could be such overwhelming beauty that just for them to contemplate it prompts a mental reboot necessitating a willful ignorance just to maintain operational! Or they could be a Finn, who no doubt appreciates the beauty, but must focus in order to bring down the next Moose and thus survive the winter. Or they might be under the delusion they have not wound up in a relationship with a woman who believes their only value to another human being is to dazzle the eyes.

Really, if you are THIS insecure what you desperately need is a mute man, so you can imagine that if they COULD speak, they would be just waxing poetic about the random genetic chance, diet, workout routine and cosmetics that you seem to believe are all that counts towards being you constantly.

6. "You have terrible fashion sense."

You'll damage their self-esteem with this one, ladies. Happily, they won't break up with you for this as with "You can't have fun", though quite likely because if these situations seem familiar to you, they would have left by now already. If they are actually still around- "You can slowly get rid of his old clothes and buy new ones, if you live together. If not, then try to go shopping together every time he wants to buy a shirt or a jacket." Not at all creepy or controlling.

I am sure it is far better to follow their advice, never talk about their taste in clothes, and just dispose of the clothes you don't like. Sentimental value to the clothes? SENTIMENTAL VALUE HOW, HUH?! YOU DIDN'T GIVE THEM THOSE CLOTHES! WHO DID! WHO DID! CHEAT! CHEAT! YOU DON'T LOVE ME!

7. "When will you call me and I see you again?"

The author notes that while this is "...not a pride," it will nonetheless come off as rather clingy. But it's so very tempting in their experience.

Which by now isn't terribly surprising. No reason to ask these questions though, if they enjoyed their time with you they will probably wish to spend more time with you. If all you have going for you is a pretty veneer painted on a gaping void of desperate insecurity however, it may take awhile to find a guy so desperate for something pretty to look at regularly they will endure your absurdly dramatic demands for constant reassurance and your purging of their wardrobe in a perceived clever scheme to dress them up just the way you like.

Alternatively you can perhaps turn your back on the shallow vanity fair lifestyle and maybe cultivate in yourself a charm and peace of mind not contingent on being the prettiest woman in the room at all times or the point of obsession for a man you can assuage your feeling of powerlessness on by dressing up like a ken doll.

SMBC, still the best.
Bear with me, just two more to go.

8. "It's just a work."

If your significant other is frustrated by something, it's not common for the correct course of action to be "Tell them how whatever is frustrating them is a stupid thing to be frustrated by." This is perhaps especially true when that thing is work.

To be fair, this is perhaps one that I am going to be particularly sensitive to. After all, my work largely DEFINES me. It is my PURPOSE. If I wasn't invested in Arketer Labs I definitely would not have put my name on it nor basically resolved to live my life out in hardened laboratory facilities.

I pride myself on being reasonable, but if my spouse said this I would be tempted to strap them into one of the emergency escape pods and wish them well where they landed.

9. "You will never become successful."

Big finish! This is not just something you probably shouldn't say to a man you're in a relationship with, it's the sort of thing you shouldn't be saying to anyone you don't especially dislike. In fact, it would be far easier to just go over the situations in which this is a thing you SHOULD say this.

Your friend believes they will learn to fly if they just keep jumping off of the roof.

You are a cartoon or movie hero responding to the villain's monologue about their brilliant plan.

And now, some bonus Things You Should Not Say (Sincerely) To a Presumed Loved One.

  • If you leave me I will kill your dog.
  • I know how to spay or neuter someone without waking them up.
  • Abandon all hope of deception, the voices can read your mind.
  • Direct eye contact is a challenge to my dominance.
  • I hold you personally responsible for my poor upbringing that has led me to believe everything I ever read in Cosmo.
Progress continues!

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