Thursday, May 28, 2015

The Lady of the Fountain : Part Two : Sir Owain's Legendary Lovins

Progress Continues!

As before the original text can be found here :

And so it came to pass at the end of our story King Arthur awoke from his long nap just in time for dinner. Horns were sounded in Caerllon upon Usk for people to rinse off their filthy selves and eat the good food peasants had provided for them as they had been raised to believe was the way of things.

When they were done eating, Sir Owain quietly made ready to depart Caerllon, to again mitigate the risk that King Arthur would be involved in this story.

That done, he embarked to seek out and trace the path of Sir Krillin, to undertake his quest to screw things up (for other people) and do it RIGHT.

In fact it is made clear that Sir Owain does everything better than Sir Krillin, he appreciates the beauty of the women of Castle Yellow better. He enjoys the food they serve him better, and generally finds that Sir Krillin was somehow full of crap about everything Sir Krillin says- despite finding things more or less as Sir Krillin described to him.

The Lord of Castle Yellow, the man in Yellow- whom neither Sir Krillin nor Owain bothered to ask the name of, sets Owain on his path to meet the giant Black Man of the grove.

Needless to say, Owain finds the stature of the Black Man more wondrous than Sir Krillin did, that loser. The Black Man in turn sets Sir Owain on the path to the Fountain.

Now, I note here that Sir Krillin- loser they may be- did not consider the ill that activating the hailstorm fountain would cause. The ill it causes, however, he learned- AND passed that on to Sir Owain as he quoted the Black Knight's complaints to him verbatim.

So Sir Owain knows exactly what he's doing when he splashes that water on the stone. So what if the hailstorm kills a few peasants, eh?

Not that the Black Knight at this point has a good excuse either. The bastard hasn't put up so much as a warning sign from the last time. Or, I don't know, destroyed the fountain? Bricked it up? Buried it in dirt? But noooo, far better to just let a few peasants die as an excuse to ride out FOR VENGEANCE.


Nevertheless, Sir Owain splashes the water from the hailstorm fountain using the silver bowl that has been chained to it to prevent theft- very important- onto the marble slab and the hail came down, birds alighted into the stripped tree and sang beauteously to keep Sir Owain occupied while the Black Knight got ready for combat and approached.

If the Black Knight had any complaints, Sir Owain takes no note of it in favor of getting to business. Which is to say, stabbing the Black Knight. He delivers a blow that cleaves through the Knight's helm, into the Knight's very brain. The Black Knight recognized this could be a mortal wound and retreats to his castle.

Sir Owain won't have any of that, and thus sets out in hot pursuit.

The people of the Black Knight's castle allow their Lord through, but when Sir Owain attempts to pursue- they drop the portcullis, which cuts his horse in two and leaves him trapped between the castle's inner and outer gates.

Sir Owain thus found himself properly screwed.

Fortunately for him, a maiden in yellow satin came by and said she wished the gate open. Sir Owain concurred- and the maiden said it was very sad that Sir Owain could not be released- for you see she was aware that Sir Owain was the truest of friends and most devoted of lovers!

How she knew this is not explained to it merely stands to reason that Sir Owain really got around.

So impressed with his reputation for loving is she, that she on the spot devises a plan to rescue him. It's a simple yet effective plan as she happened to have a magic ring of invisibility on her.

This she lends to him with a short tutorial on it's use, as well as her plan to guide him out of danger when the locals return to open the gate in order to put him to death for so wounding their (questionably competent) Lord and protector.

The plan goes off without a hitch as the locals open the gates only to find one half of a horse. Sir Owain, invisible, follows the maiden to a beautiful chamber in which not a single nail in it is not painted glorious colors.

Penn Jillete's faithful recreation.
Once there, she cleaned Sir Owain up, brought him a delicious meal served on silver and gold and otherwise made him comfortable while the Lord of the castle suffered the barbarities of medieval 'medical care'.

She made a nice bed for him, and apparently stayed in in to test out Sir Owain's reputation firsthand as, in the middle of the night, there was sorrowful wailing. Sir Owain asked as to the cause, being not terribly bright and the maiden was right there- in the middle of the night- to explain that the Lord of the Castle had died.

This learned, he resolved to open a window and enjoy the funeral procession he was directly responsible for. Being the classy gent he was, while appreciating the grieving throng carrying the late Black Knight to his grave wore an awful lot of expensive finery- he came to notice the Widow of the late Black Knight, and found her beauty/wealth to be irresistible.

Fortunately, the Widow- the Countess of the Fountain- was the mistress of the maiden he had, apparently, entertained quite well, for as he explained he was hot for the Widow the maiden resolved that she would win her over for him.

The maiden, who's name we now learn is Luned, starts immediately and attempts to sell her on the need to get remarried even as she grieves over the loss of her previous husband. The Countess declares that there is no man the equal of her late husband, to which Luned the maiden states that an ugly man would be his equal.

Apparently Luned hated the Black Knight for some reason.

The Countess sends her away at this, angrily, but the cold hard math- that she needs a new husband to fend off the grasping Lords beneath her- is swiftly done and though she recognizes Luned's disposition as an evil one, asks her council.

Luned, graciously, does so. They note the Countess needs to defend the Hailstorm Fountain if she would keep the position she has. So the Luned would happily ride off to King Arthur's Court, alone, to petition them for a worthy warrior and husband for the Countess. Luned is very confident she will succeed in this and return with a warrior better as good or better suited to defending the fountain than the previous Lord. (but not by walling the fountain off, destroying it, burying it in dirt... No of course not, it's use must be avenged with the pointy stick! Not prevented. Muscle, not brain. Primitive screwheads.)

The Countess notes this is a difficult task and bids her go about it. Thus Luned sets off... to discreetly return to where she stashed Sir Owain. There she asks him how long it would take to travel to King Arthur's Court and return and, that learned, they discreetely entertained themselves.. somehow.. as they waited off the requisite time.

That done, Luned got dressed and went to see the Countess, who was pleased to see they had returned well. Luned is happy to deliver the good news, she has brought a new champion with her.

The Countess resolves to this Champion the next day.

The 'maiden' Luned then goes back and gets Sir Owain prettied up. That done, they are presented to the Countess the next day. The Countess is not fooled.

She notes Sir Owain doesn't appear to have done much travelling lately (perhaps they put on a bit of weight lounging around Luned's place) and rather more alarmingly were the very same person who killed their husband.

To which Luned notes- who better to take for a husband? After all, he's already proven himself tougher.

Swayed as before by the hard logic of Luned, the Countess agrees- but not before she takes counsel from the nobles of the land. Herein she gathers them together and shows that her lands are defenseless.

She asks them if one of them would marry her and take up the responsibility of defending her lands and the painfully idiotic Hailstorm Fountain. Rather than do this, the Lords of the land instead give her permission to marry someone from outside their realm.

Thus the Countess of the Fountain married Sir Owain who, for three years, would ride out and defeat any Knight that happened by to play with the Hailstorm Fountain. This done, he would take them prisoner and ransom them for their full value.

Because Knights were inevitably spoiled Lordlets with nothing better to do with their time than fuck around with magical peasant-murdering fountains this happened often enough that Sir Owain thus raised a fortune he then divided among the lesser Lords beneath him.

This perhaps better explains why no one ever fenced off the wretched fountain.

In this fashion Sir Owain ruled the realm of the Fountain for around three years, beloved by greedy, yet lazy coldhearted bastards he called vassals.

Tune in next time for The Lady of the Fountain : Part Three : SIR OWAIN'S KINGDOM FOR A CALENDER!

Progress continues.

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