Wednesday, August 19, 2015

Not Jupiter Ascending, Part 2

Progress continues.

We keep picking up radio chatter from Mercenary teams, still looking for our facilities in increasingly bizarre places. From the sound of it, they've lost a tremendous amount of faith in this Retekra's intelligence. Both their information and personal intellect.

I am almost desperate to find out why they would be listening to anyone mad enough to rename themselves to an inversion of my name.

I mean, even Bizzaro from Superman lore was Bizzaro. Not Namrepus.

Anyhow, Part 2 of Uranus Distending.


I hardly had time to call any of the proper tabloids for prices, that was going to take a measure of discretion. I mean, my employer didn't remember a thing that had happened to her- but were sorely (hah) distressed by a sudden new-found discomfort with walking.

These alien guys clearly had tricks up their sleeves, and the last thing I wanted to do was wake up, find myself walking funny- and not remember anything about it.

I did have time to decide that I would go through with the harvesting anyway. I mean, just because I planned on offing myself shouldn't mean my ova shouldn't go on.

As I waited in the Clinic lobby, I looked over the footage of my employer's extra-terrestrial disgracing.


As I looked the footage over I had the troubling thought.... 
What if I had received an poorly-timed phone call while recording this? I don't have my phone on silent and my ringtone would surely have given me away.

I mean, they would have probably erased my memory just like my employer's, and if they can erase human memory then a Cell Phone's should prove no challenge.

Fortunately no such thing happened.

The Nurse's announcement they were ready for me saved me from further contemplation.

Wordlessly, I got undressed and braced myself for the procedure.

If you thought about it, human egg harvesting is really rather kinky. You get naked, put on a robe, hop up on a table-bed in front of an assortment of men and women you don't know in the slightest who then go poking around your reproductive bits looking for souvenirs while you're unconscious and/or high as balls.

 I let them put the gas mask on me and took a deep breath. The anesthesiologist watched me carefully. She seemed nice. Wait, wha-

HOLY CRAP! They've given me the GOOD STUFF!
 Consciousness slipped away, but I managed to get out a few more words.

"Use... plenty... of lube..."

Nurse : "Miss Ucker?"
I awoke rather blearily.

Nurse : "Miss Ucker, you are ready to go."

Uranus : "Huh? Oh, please, call me Uranus."

Nurse : "No. How are you feeling?"

Uranus : "Oh. Uh... Fine, I think. How did it go? Do I get pictures, video?"

Nurse : "I'm afraid not Miss Ucker, but the procedure went smoothly enough. The surgeons were a bit put off by all the moaning, but they're professionals. They pulled through."

Uranus : "Well. Ok then. I'll just... get dressed and go then."

Nurse : "Please, Miss Ucker. Please. Your... companion is stinking up the waiting room."

Uranus : "I wasn't expecting anyone would be waiting on me."

Nurse : "Oh? Well then, you really won't be expecting Channing Tatum. Or so they claim to be."

Uranus : "Wouldn't you be able to tell?"

Nurse : "No. Please leave."

Well, this was a surprise. Someone claiming to be Channing Tatum waiting outside for me?

Naturally I dressed rapidly and rushed out. Then, it hit me. The Nurse wasn't lying about the odor. It was... sweat and funk and I'm not sure what else. While I waited for the room to stop spinning- he approached me.

Channing Tatum : "Cmm wiff mr erf yoo wnt to liff."
Uranus : "What? I can't understand you through that. Also... how many days straight have you been wearing it?"

Channing Tatum shook their oversized head and grabbed my hand in their 'paw'. They began dragging me out of the Clinic and while initially hesitant I learned two things in rapid succession.

One, this was no ordinary fursuit. There was some sort of sturdy mechanical infrastructure in the paw that gave it a solid grip.

Two, the felt or plush material it was otherwise made from squished wetly. I tried not to think about that part.

Uranus : "Ok, ok, I'm coming..."

Mr. Tatum here took me to their van, which waited outside. We then drove silently to Sears Tower. They let us in without issue, surprisingly, and he led me to a service elevator. It was a long awkward ride up to the topmost floor.

I could no longer smell anything, which was a mercy, but my eyes would not stop watering.

Once there he left me for a moment, eventually returning slightly less furry.

He then set about explaining something about aliens but my eyes just glazed over.
Two things had me shocked.

One, he was actually Channing Tatum.

Two, it was possible for him to smell worse. He may have taken off the Fur Suit, but he clearly hadn't thought to take a shower.

Channing : "Following me so far?"

Uranus : "You're Channing Tatum."

Channing : "Yes, and you are now one of the few people- on Earth- to know why my name matches no naming traditions on Earth. Though my Fursona name is Fangwind."

Uranus: "Huh?"

Channing Tatum sighed heavily, and began again.

Oddly it dawned on me that he seemed to share my love of tight-fitting vests... I wasn't sure how to feel about that in the present situation, so I simply wiped my eyes, tried to breath through my mouth and listened.


In closing, Jurassic World, Everyone.

Progress continues!

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