Thursday, December 18, 2014

Stay Calm

Apologies for the delays in 'updating'. Your complaints were received but not read until recently. Admittedly my priorities have been greatly rearranged as of late.

I would like you first to understand that everything will be quite fine.

To address some rumors going around:

1. Yes, there have been further outbreaks of Strawman Syndrome at ALLPs 2 and 4 as well as Sky Lab.

2. There have been injuries, but there have been no fatalities and only one lost limb. Latter incident occurred at Sky Lab where a conflict between an infected and uninfected employee escalated to the point the infected employee misappropriated a high-powered cutting laser. The injured henchperson will be eligible for our prosthetic replacement program once cured of their infection.

3. We have yet to discover a cure for the infection, but do have leads that are promising.

4. We do not yet know the perpetrator, but given recent events believe this to be a petulant act by the Order over discussing their latest 'project'.

5. All outbreaks are contained. All present infected individuals have been secured in their quarters and have been provided with intranet forum access. All communication is strictly between infected individuals via the intranet forum which is moderated in an effort keep all discussions suitably cyclical and away from resulting in unification against a common 'foe'.

6. There was indeed a close call before this where a group of infected had managed to find 'common ground' in disdain for the Inuit peoples over the killing of seals. A group of them began to plan out a means by which to dispatch a reprogrammed autonomy-capable exosuit to 'kill any blubber-eating bastards that even look at one of those cubs'. This was prevented well before the plan could be executed.

7. The means by which the infections were introduced HAS been discovered and dealt with. While we cannot yet cure the infected, there should be no further risk of outbreaks among us so long as established protocols are maintained.

8. There is a possibility a strain of this infection has been introduced to the general public according to the correlation between online posting habits of our infected and those found on other forums. This has not been confirmed however, it could just be there are that many naturally-occurring idiots out there.

9. While there is no cure, certain treatments that have been shown to temporarily alleviate symptoms and some methods have been discovered that circumvent them entirely. While I cannot go into detail on the latter for security reasons, in regards to the former I can tell you that exposure to comedic material devoid of political agenda has- in most cases- overwhelmed the afflicted's outrage responses to the point they eventually calm down for a period of time, during which they prove to be more rational. I have linked a particularly effective piece below.

Finally it remains vital that if you suspect you may infected, or suspect you may be seeing signs of infection in others, that you report it immediately.

Progress continues, stay calm and we will see this resolved.

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